The Waterfall- For Shae, looking for art…was it false advertising?? A Note from Krista.

This painting is a little crumpled…but perhaps that represents how I felt at the time…

I painted this at a local community art class.

I’ve always struggled being in any kind of classroom setting.

I’m only just learning about why that is…

I am an Empath…a strong one. I feel so many things when I walk into a room.

The teacher and I set out a plan for the evening, and I set about doing it, determined to really try this time.

The only problem with that….. was me..lol!

I am also intuitive…this I only vaguely new at the time.

I had decided to sit and try and do a serious piece of work to learn properly (lol).

I’ve always struggled with this, I thought it was because there was something wrong with me, sabotage, trauma, PTSD, ADHD, low self esteem etc…Ive come up with many many suggestions to myself as to why I couldn’t imitate or follow what others were doing or how they were learning. (I found it so boring!)

I started out with my piece of paper and this photograph

My intention was to simply draw what I saw. I started with lead pencil lightly drawing it out, then I decided to paint it in. (I only had 1 actual painting lesson before, and that was again a painful experience). I often just had idea’s of how to draw or paint just pop into my head. Those idea’s always worked.

As I was painting in the plant, the teacher came to check on my progress, and I could tell she was less than impressed, “hmm thats interesting, well we will see how it turns out…” She said looking at me doubtfully.

Well, I have had a fragile self esteem…., I found myself adding more and more paint, I started painting very rapidly, very quickly, the page became a total mess of colours, I had totally given up on the photo, “screw it” I thought to myself. I remember feeling totally defeated, disappointed, drained, totally frustrated, hopes gurgling downwards and my self esteem just spiralled.

Then I started to feel and enjoy the colours, I let myself just be drawn to the colours before me.

The teacher could see what happened and didn’t say anything, I could see she wasn’t really appreciating what I was doing, I think she felt it wasn’t quite serious enough, and there wasn’t a lot she could do to ‘help‘ me by that stage and the time in the class was running out.

Soon I could say that the page was so saturated with paint, that I would probably tear it if I kept going. So I stopped. It felt right and when I stepped back, I could see a waterfall.

The other man in the class came over, and he told me how much he loved it. (He was amazing….clearly quite professional). His words held weight to me, I was really grateful for his words of encouragement. But I did feel at the time that, although I had produced this, it was in fact another failure…again. I was still disappointed that I had yet another goal I hadn’t reached….one in a long list of idea’s, schemes, plans, goals that I hadn’t met. The teacher had very little to say. She was really unimpressed. I left the class feeling flat. I didn’t return. I left the painting thrown into my study/trash room (lol), I’ve looked at it occasionally but it stood for failure in my mind.

Here is what I have learnt about myself since then.

Dance, paint, sing, write…take up what ever source of inspiration you have and let it explode before you.

You will be done when you are done.

Your way is the best way.

Nothing is wasted.

I am good enough.

You may always be a source of confusion for some people.

The most dangerous thing you can do is walk the line.

Stay off course. You will be ruined by being like them or even wanting them to like you.

The only opinion that matters is yours.

Make a magical mess, hold nothing back and don’t ever be sorry for it.

Beauty comes shinning triumphantly through every dark place. Have no doubts.

You are the most glorious thing because you are different.

Smash colours onto a page with all your feelings.

Enjoy the process …walk away

Do it again tomorrow.

The Waterfall

The Dream

Last night I felt myself smile…..

I was dreaming

The first dream

I saw someone I had had my hopes in, from the past.

He was someone I once desired

I had dreamed of him in the past

I was sitting by the road with my back to him

I felt him drive past me

I felt him staring intently at me

But I paid him no attention

Then as dreams go

I heard him arrive home, I packed up my things feeling immediately fatigued and took myself to bed

I sat up in bed watching media

My eye’s could not stay open

I could hear the media’s voice talking incessantly and loudly

I couldn’t wake enough to turn it off

Then I felt a slight tickle on my arm

I saw a giant bullant race down my arm

I heard a knock on my door and his face peaked in the door

I heard his voice asking me if I was awake

I could barely nod

My eyes couldn’t open, they were so heavy and I was desperate to sleep

But I felt the tickle of the bull-ant running through my bed sheets

I swiped it off trying to kill it, fearful of it’s bite

I felt him sit beside me on the bed

Gently trying to wake me

I knew his desires to seduce

But the bull ant….

and I could not open my eyes

He left knowing it was no use

I felt a heavy book in my hands

I smashed the bull ant with it

I could not see its dead body, but it never moved again.

I felt relief.

 I was finally able to rest.


Then in the second

I dreamt I was driving on a safari

Alone

In a large open aired jeep

I drove through a shallow river bed

The motor became flooded and the vehicle became stuck in the mud

The river started to rise and water started to pour through the doors

The river bank was not far from the jeep

So I readied myself to jump to it

As I stood on the hood of the jeep about to jump

10 green alligators came slithering in to lie in wait

Watching my every move

Quietness underlying their readiness and tightly wound bodies

They had seen the trap immediately and did not hesitate

When all of a sudden

I felt a huge jarring jolt

The vehicle felt as if it had been hit by another car from behind

I fell backwards onto the vehicle again

I turned

My heart leapt

And my face crumpled with tears and I sobbed with relief and gratitude

Out of the river and the mud

My saviour had risen

She was a giant

Larger than the jeep

Her presence required no fanfare

Her confidence was absolute

The Queen of the River…. a Hippopotamus

Who humbley and with barely an effort

Pushed the jeep up onto the dry ground

The alligators and crocodiles could only scatter or be crushed

This Monarch stood for no nonsense

Her mere presence scattered the cold blooded

She attended her duties without fuss

I loved her

And I felt her love

As she pushed me to life, I felt her determination, her strength and her power

I stared at her as she returned to the river

Almost hidden but ever watchful

Gratitude and the knowledge that I was safe

Sinking deeply into my being

I wanted to wait there a moment longer

But I knew that this was just the beginning.

I felt myself smile…..but not in my dream.

This was the sign.

I was not alone

I was loved

I was safe.

Healing

Out of the darkness,

Charging towards me, as I ambled listlessly with out purpose or destination

Came a burning double edged sword

I saw it speeding with its blade extended directly toward me

Fear gripped at my heart

As I fled immediatly from it

It’s flames and it’s sharp edges

I saw a hand gripping it fiercely

Whitened knuckles revealing determination and strength

Darkness hiding his identity

I looked back to check the distance and to gain some more

A simple stumble brought the attacker into view

I saw my face appear from the darkness

I saw my own hand raise

As I plunged it with a shout into my very own heart

I saw confusion and pain cross his face….my face

Guilt, shame, horror.

I watched my mouth fall open in a silent scream

I looked up at the face that towered over me …my face

I looked further down to my attackers chest

I saw the the handle of a fiery bloodied blade plunged deeply into his heart …my heart

Sorrow and tears dropped latently down his face

Untouched and unwilling to wipe them away

“I am finished” we said in union

I am sorry” we said together

“What happened?” we asked together

The wielder spoke on his own

“I saw your heart from a distance, I saw that it was wounded and festering

I waved at you with the healing sword, to beckon you closer.

But I saw you run instead, so I took chase

It is a magical healing blade, but it causes great pain as it heals

But I did not know how much, until this very moment.

But we shall be healed

Now we can unite

I did not see my own wounds

And I could not have healed myself

I could not have pierced my own heart

But you knew

And you helped me by giving chase

And I helped you by hiding by hiding my face.”

“Remove the sword then!” I said shaking my head

A smile crossed his face

And a laugh cackled out.

“yes. Ok then” He said grinning.

As He pulled the blade out – both our faces winced

As we felt the burning and cutting of the healing sword

My attacker let it drop by his side

And with a firm hand- offered it to me

And I grasped it without hesitation

We pulled each other closer

Closer and closer

Until we were no longer seperate

We stood strong

We stood laughing in delight

We stood healed

Reset

Tracing it back step by step,

Looking over my shoulder

I see the path that I have already tread

Staring down into the staircase of my mind

The blindness and the darkness that had caressed and guided me

Today I stand atop the heights

To look down with enlightenment

With sorrow

With sadness

With grief

The journey has been arduous

Painful

And the dangers that were before me …

I took hold of the hands that were held out

I called them dear to me

But they were the monsters that I couldn’t see because of my blindness and the darkness

Betrayal

Gas lighting

Lies

Deceit

Manipulation

Many who I held dear

Who held my hands to keep me blind

And to keep me hidden

Supressed

Controlled

They used words of charm and claimed their unconditional love towards me

And I gave them my love, whole heartedly and generously

But the deceit lay in their actions

The stones they threw

The arrows they shot

To deliberately trip and harm

To create loss

Fear

Conditioning

Competition

But no matter.

I have made may way upwards regardless

Guided by an inner knowing despite the obstructions

Despite the lies

The tormentors …. with their lying tongues

They warmed my heart

They gave me connection …for a short time

But they always left me in the cold

Supported my losses

And abandoned me in my success

Tearing my wins down with minimisations and cruel put downs

Discouraging my starts

Selling me lies and false encouragements

Positive toxicity and subtle messages of competition

Refusing words of affection

Threats in unguarded moments

Waiting for opportunity in my vulnerable times

Sharing smiles that held snarling teeth and menacing eyes

Wiht viscous snarling jokes…always at my expense

But it is not my right to cast blame nor judgement

I received what I believed

The Divine said “yes”, to what I believed was my worth

And he gave generously and abundantly

Despair

Less

Lack

Loss

Betrayal… yes deep betrayals

Lies

Theft

This is what I asked for and that was indeed my blessing

Yes it has been abundant.

So the Mountain is revealing me

And I feel anger

Pain

Loss

Lack

Grief

I received my lot and my worth.

So thank you darkness

Thank you Monsters

Thank you for the pain

Thank you for the betrayal

I am reeling in my own grief

Sorrow for my own error

As I look now to the Heavens for answers

They simply said “yes”.

Yes to what I believed I was worth

So now I shall sit atop of the mountain

Alone

To reset

Determine a new outcome

A new design

Discovery

Determination

A new guideline

A new book

Love

Connection

Truth

Authenticity

Courage

Confidence

Clarity

Spirituality

Friendship

Care

Nutrition

Health

Beauty

Worth

Setting the bar high this time

With care and concern for the outcome

Leaving the old and the scars

The PTSD

The trauma

I shall receive good things

Because I am learning my place

My potential

My value

My Worth

Wealth

Abundance

Pleasure

Luxury

Travel

Luck

Family

True Love

Because I will stand in my Authenticity

My power

My talents and giftings

I shall be seen

I shall be heard

Because I am a light that will shine in the darkest reaches

A phoenix and a wild thing that cannot be tamed

She is readying herself

She is coming

The dungeons and the cages have been released

Be watchful for you shall not miss her when she is revealed.

She is a light in the darkness and an army of strength

Watch for her

You will know her when she comes

Morality

Good things have good outcomes

Love does not deceive

It breathes the fiery truth

and it burns

…but my love it cleanses

Do not doubt yourself

Do not doubt

Angels can cry beautiful tears and look at you with adoring sad eyes

But not all angels bring blessings

Some bring turmoil and pain and heartache

They demand

And refuse compromise

They betray you and trick you

They will hold you and whisper loving things that you need so desperately

That you deserve

But they will leave you feeling as if you have drunk on dust instead of water

My Love…love fills your heart

Your cup will be overflowing

Love is testable

It strengthens you

And brings you abundance

Test and ask what love does

and how love feels

Ask the universe for help

Ask the universe for guidance and clarity.

The Empress Rises

I am walking toward you Lilith

And my sword is unsheathed

I am ready to cut off your head

I will stand alone

And I will never give in

I am here forever

I am bound to a purpose

and you have chosen to war upon that purpose

I am coming for you

I have sat silent

Until now…

Be ready because you are about to see me in my strength

I am a Lioness who protects her Pride

and you are a laughing hyena

I am coming for you

See me walking towards you

Watch me raise my hand as I cut off your head

What is Strength?

I hear the the flapping of the angels wings

I smell the sulphur and fumes rising from the pitts of Hell

As both the gates of Hell and Heaven open

Two armies are lined up upon the battle field

They ask the Creator “Is it now?”

Both parties stamping their feet and chomping at the bit

The decision lies upon you

Two paths are stretched out

The road to Hell is lined with gold, and wealth and the path is broad and easy

As you glide so elegantly down it……into the jaws of The Beast

Indecision is still a decision

And Judgement falls upon you regardless

I have seen death

As you choose your path

You hold life in your very hands and the lives and the future of your children

And ‘The Purpose’

Your ‘Destiny’ lies unfulfilled

Happiness and abundance is in your very hands

As others lie in wait for you to declare either their salvation

Or their end

Both paths will inflict the whip upon your bare back

Pain shall not be removed from you

But the pain that is inflicted from love….

Shall heal the deep wounds that have been inflicted upon you

Do not fear

Death is a gift and ‘The Beyond’ is our real home

The hammer and nails that you hold in your hand

Shall shut the lid upon someones coffin

But beware for it could be your own

This is ‘The Junction’

Indecision …is still a decision

When you are Just to yourself

You are Just to them

When you love you

You love them

The date has been assigned

You are being called upon to find your strength

True strength does not wield a hammer

It is not brash

It is not proud

It does not run

It does not desire false things and deceptions

Strength lies in holding the hands of fear

It shakes like a puppy in a storm

It stands firm despite the vast and painful feelings that threaten to overwhelm

It allows the Tsunami

Strength shakes at the knees

It stands naked before the crowd as they jeer and scorn you

They do so because they are weak

And you shall feel their scorn

Because truth simply is.

Truth exists whether it is clothed or hidden

Truth in fact grows louder and louder like a wailing horn that you can not suppress

It turns the heads of everyone towards it

The more layers you use to suppress it…. The louder and stronger it shall become

Strength…..

Strength stands before the crowd, humbled, naked…

The crowd will jeer

And you shall stand out as a joke, and they shall turn upon you

But if you stand quietly

Humbly

Firmly

They shall disperse

They shall become bored

The tables will turn, and you will hear them quieten also

And soon they will applaud you

The people who claim friendship but are indeed false friends shall reveal their true intentions

They shall realise you stand there with purpose in humility

It will reveal to them that they also stand naked

They will either flee to find cover…

Or the the true friends will climb the stage to stand next to you

As everyone shall also realise their own shame as you stand as a leader before them all

And what was initially your shame, shall in fact become your glory

Some of the crowd will become your most loyal comrades and allies

You shall find strength in each other

You shall find true Friendship

As you discover your nakedness

You shall discover your power

For there will be nothing for anyone to tear off of you

And the discomfort and shame that you feel when you are naked…. shall become your greatest comfort

Your freedom

Your strength

Your power

Your confidence

Your purpose is to change history

But greatness does not always appear as the weilder of swords or a brave Knight.

Greatness can be willingly carrying your own cross

Accepting the blows of others ….despite the injustice

Greatness in the eyes of Heaven,

Gives to the weary

It offers mercy and help to those that suffer and to those who do not deserve it

Greatness endures for a greater good and for Divine purpose

Greatness releases others to their true path

This is the test

The Spirits are asking if you are strong enough for the task before you

Fairness

Justice

Balance

The weak abandon their post

But the Strong….see deceit

And cut through it to reveal truth

and this, my Dear….. is love

The greatest love

And it is the thing your heart desires above everything else.

Let it rule you

Let it overwhelm you

Let it wash you clean

Succumb to it!

The army is awaiting your command

and help is always near.