Repentence

I used to create….

I would stack stones creating little mounds and call them mountains.

I would alter the water ways from their natural courses

Cutting roads into sand that crumbled the minute I turned

I built cities without foundation

Gluing stones to dust

I used knowledge and wisdom to build terrific towers that I would never climb.

Because I was holding up the walls with my bare hands.

I applied all my learning to the dedication of changing everything that surrounded me.

When I stepped back, to view my works,

All my investments crumbled before my eyes

The waters returned

The stacked stones became symbolic of my powerlessness

The cities returned to the ground as their dust rose in the air

A wasteland lay before me

And My heart …. burned

As I cast my eye’s over ruin

Confusion carelessly galloped at me, running me down.

As the light was dimmed by the dust that cascaded around me

It laughed callously at my humiliation

My purpose was vanquished

My heart despaired

And seething rage precociously infused every one of my cells

I stared vacantly at the scarred lands

The damage

And the worthlessness of my endeavours

“How have you come to this?”

A voiced whispered at me

“I don’t know.”

I said to nobody

“What was the purpose?”

“I don’t know.”

The silence echoed loudly

I belong in darkness I said to myself

and so I cast myself into it

Darkness and solitude my only ambition

I found the deepest cave

And buried myself like the dead

In it, I stripped myself naked

and I raged

Scratching at the walls of the caverns

The madness I had been hiding released itself

Demons circled me in the darkness

I learned their names

because they called me friend

I beat the Earth until I was breathless and soaked in my own blood

Rivers of lava spewed from me as if from the very depths of hell

I screamed at the gods

I cast blame at the land for not being what I needed

There, I recklessly said everything I felt

The hopelessness

The anger and the despair

Until I lay empty upon the sullied mud that was saturated with my every grievance

and for the first time

I remembered the land

I remembered the way it did not protest my constructions

I remembered how beautiful it was when I first laid eyes upon it

I remembered how I had cut into it

How I suffocated it

How I kept trying to change it for the ‘better’

How it allowed me to silently pursue my ambitions

and how it simply existed as it always had

How it returned itself to its original state once I released it

How I had raged over it

Clarity firmly took his seat

As I considered the land and my relationship to it

I had longed for perfection

I thought I was creating it, as I forced it to become less than what it already was!

I had sought perfection in myself,

Believing everything was less than.

I had tried to create it around me

The deceit of my own heart spoke to me in the darkness

It whispered to me like Lucifer to Eve

“Fullfillment is found when you change everything you can, because it is not good enough”

But Truth also spoke,

“Fullfillment is found when you know who you are, and you release everything else to exist freely just as you are free.”

I had been execrated

The Truth sunk deeply into my sinew and bones

I was a monster

I had ravaged the land

Trying to alter it to my vicious will

I was the torturer

…..and I had relished it

I dared not speak

I could barely breathe

My crimes had been revealed

My abuse of the land

My hostility,

My lack of remorse

My lack of empathy

I was the psychopath

Insight washed over me

As I lay in my own filth

In the darkness

I started to remember the light

As my disillusionment began to clear

I saw how lovingly the Earth had held me

Protected me

The walls that I had brutalised stood firm against me

Allowing me to pursue my own darkness.

Gratitude welled

And I wept

Tears washed the filth from my naked skin

I let them drop heavily to the earthen floor

As I waved the white flag

I gave them abundantly

I hoped desperately that the Land still held hope and forgiveness for me

Tentatively I emerged

Seeing it correctly for the first time

I saw it’s perfection

I praised it

I saw how perfectly I was made for it and it for me.

I need only care for it.

and it would be abundant

And I would find fulfilment.

…. at Last.