This painting is a little crumpled…but perhaps that represents how I felt at the time…
I painted this at a local community art class.
I’ve always struggled being in any kind of classroom setting.
I’m only just learning about why that is…
I am an Empath…a strong one. I feel so many things when I walk into a room.
The teacher and I set out a plan for the evening, and I set about doing it, determined to really try this time.
The only problem with that….. was me..lol!
I am also intuitive…this I only vaguely new at the time.
I had decided to sit and try and do a serious piece of work to learn properly (lol).
I’ve always struggled with this, I thought it was because there was something wrong with me, sabotage, trauma, PTSD, ADHD, low self esteem etc…Ive come up with many many suggestions to myself as to why I couldn’t imitate or follow what others were doing or how they were learning. (I found it so boring!)
I started out with my piece of paper and this photograph
My intention was to simply draw what I saw. I started with lead pencil lightly drawing it out, then I decided to paint it in. (I only had 1 actual painting lesson before, and that was again a painful experience). I often just had idea’s of how to draw or paint just pop into my head. Those idea’s always worked.
As I was painting in the plant, the teacher came to check on my progress, and I could tell she was less than impressed, “hmm thats interesting, well we will see how it turns out…” She said looking at me doubtfully.
Well, I have had a fragile self esteem…., I found myself adding more and more paint, I started painting very rapidly, very quickly, the page became a total mess of colours, I had totally given up on the photo, “screw it” I thought to myself. I remember feeling totally defeated, disappointed, drained, totally frustrated, hopes gurgling downwards and my self esteem just spiralled.
Then I started to feel and enjoy the colours, I let myself just be drawn to the colours before me.
The teacher could see what happened and didn’t say anything, I could see she wasn’t really appreciating what I was doing, I think she felt it wasn’t quite serious enough, and there wasn’t a lot she could do to ‘help‘ me by that stage and the time in the class was running out.
Soon I could say that the page was so saturated with paint, that I would probably tear it if I kept going. So I stopped. It felt right and when I stepped back, I could see a waterfall.
The other man in the class came over, and he told me how much he loved it. (He was amazing….clearly quite professional). His words held weight to me, I was really grateful for his words of encouragement. But I did feel at the time that, although I had produced this, it was in fact another failure…again. I was still disappointed that I had yet another goal I hadn’t reached….one in a long list of idea’s, schemes, plans, goals that I hadn’t met. The teacher had very little to say. She was really unimpressed. I left the class feeling flat. I didn’t return. I left the painting thrown into my study/trash room (lol), I’ve looked at it occasionally but it stood for failure in my mind.
Here is what I have learnt about myself since then.
Dance, paint, sing, write…take up what ever source of inspiration you have and let it explode before you.
You will be done when you are done.
Your way is the best way.
Nothing is wasted.
I am good enough.
You may always be a source of confusion for some people.
The most dangerous thing you can do is walk the line.
Stay off course. You will be ruined by being like them or even wanting them to like you.
The only opinion that matters is yours.
Make a magical mess, hold nothing back and don’t ever be sorry for it.
Beauty comes shinning triumphantly through every dark place. Have no doubts.
You are the most glorious thing because you are different.
Smash colours onto a page with all your feelings.
Enjoy the process …walk away
Do it again tomorrow.