Decisions

Decisions

I wait upon them

People scream at me to “Hurry, hurry, hurry!”

They seem anxious for me to choose swiftly

They ferociously ask me what path I will take

What does it matter to them?

If I choose wrong they judge and tut at me

If I choose right they jealously congratulate my ‘luck’

I stand still and feel them spin around me- spitting and vociferous

Their needs are not mine to fulfil

I stand as an island

Anchored

I feel hands grab at me

Trying to take hold

I am shame to them as I step away and proceed in directions they deem foolish

I thank them for their inutility

Rain

The smell of dirt is driven into the air

Disturbed by engorged droplets that land and spread like giant gelatine moulds

A greenish tinge colours the sky and the trees glow yellow

Calls to children fill the air

Urgent and slightly afraid

The birds sit eagerly on the powerlines (The Compares for the coming event)

They call everyone to their places and the audience to their seats

Lightening strikes and thunder warns

It is the last call

Lastly the birds take their positions, ready.

I to seek refuge and wait quietly for the event

All peer out, keen to see the production

Quiet descends as the firmament awaits the heavenly performance.

Found

Denial- I wonder about the nature of this word

I wonder how I don’t even consider it in the most obvious of moments

I wonder how I come to think about myself

How I choose to shape my life

Decision’s seem far from my control,

Because they are.

My beliefs are not reflections of my true self.

They mask the true self

Creating stress

Anxiety

Anger

Fear.

 

I fear the very things that my beliefs produce

 

I long for assurance

I seek contentment

And I’ve often wondered at my own crazy actions and decisions

I am stunned by my own beliefs

How I developed them

They become indiscriminate in their application- no matter of their original context….that is lost.

I have been journeying down this path of enquiry

The more I discover the deeper I am desperate to dig

I have been fiercely weeding out and discovering my beliefs and the things that have driven me for so long.

They have been fearsome revelations

Dark.

Demonic

But the excitement for the road upwards has been a great motivator

The weeding of these beliefs  have become the removing of all types of angst

Bringing satisfaction

Strength

 

I know who I am

I can see where the line is and I walk it with ease

The spinning has stopped

I love this

It is peace and comfort

Safety

Happiness

Calm

Control

 

Finally I own myself.