Today I had to concede my issue with my own perfectionism and it’s root cause.
The root cause of my perfectionism is fear.
Fear of humiliation.
Fear of rejection
Fear of abandonment
Any kind of mistake or error made by myself, immediately has filled me with these overwhelming feelings
I immediately check, recheck my actions and previously my immediate response was always worse case scenario- upset, despair, anxiety, depression, shame, guilt and even self harm.
This has been highlighted for me just recently
I understand why I have this response. I understand that I have had inner child wounding. I understand where it comes from, how it occurred etc.
However, sometimes until we are triggered again- sometimes it is hard to know whether we have truly healed from these types of wounds, and what further healing needs to occur.
So thank you Spirit, here I go again, triggered (If I ever hash tagged….eye roll, groan, why me, when does it end, Spiritual Awakening=healing, so over it, better in the long run, faith- it will all make sense soon, please don’t let it carry on this badly next year, no excuses left, all my faults and wounds revealed, it really does help, still sux though)
What I just learnt was that I am still deep in perfectionism. I have healed parts of it, but there have been parts that have not healed. It has created a dissonance within me. I am no longer self harming in regards to being confronted with my own errors. However, I am still behaving in some ways, where I am defensive, guarded and fearful of being seen as imperfect. I am scared of criticism. I have visions of mass rejection and humiliation, that immediately spring to my mind. It occurred to me that I have never accepted that error and imperfection is a natural/ normal part of being human. When one is a perfectionist, error feels 100x worse because the fall from grace feels greater, you feel the disappointment of the people around you, and the question of loss of reputation equates to disaster. Shame is quick to follow. The other response I have also had, on the flip side, is overreactions to other peoples mistakes, condemnation, judgement, self righteousness, rejection. In other words projection onto others. This feels worse to me, understanding that, I am treating others this way, because that is how I feel. I am again called to heal my childhood wounds. Learn to accept and love myself as I am. Accept my imperfections, so that I can accept imperfections in others. Love myself so I can also love others.
As I talk about love over and over again, I am again convicted about my own words and actions towards others. Everything I write about on this platform, are all messages for me just as it is for you. Spirit speaks through me, but nothing is held from me in regards to responsibility in heeding those messages.
Owning my imperfections enables easier transparency for those around me and enables generalised increased openness and therefore reduction of stress for me.
I didn’t realise how by owning my imperfections, that I am also able to be more relatable to others.
Mistakes are normal
Mistakes are how we learn
Mistakes are ok
Consequences are inevitable….no matter what
Keep on the healing journey friends.