Found

Denial- I wonder about the nature of this word

I wonder how I don’t even consider it in the most obvious of moments

I wonder how I come to think about myself

How I choose to shape my life

Decision’s seem far from my control,

Because they are.

My beliefs are not reflections of my true self.

They mask the true self

Creating stress

Anxiety

Anger

Fear.

 

I fear the very things that my beliefs produce

 

I long for assurance

I seek contentment

And I’ve often wondered at my own crazy actions and decisions

I am stunned by my own beliefs

How I developed them

They become indiscriminate in their application- no matter of their original context….that is lost.

I have been journeying down this path of enquiry

The more I discover the deeper I dig

I have been fiercely weeding out and discovering my beliefs and the things that have driven me for so long.

They have been fearsome revelations

Dark.

Demonic

But the excitement for the road upwards has been a great motivator

The weeding of these beliefs  have become the removing of all types of angst

Bringing satisfaction

Strength

 

I know who I am

I can see where the line is and I walk it with ease

The spinning has stopped

I love this

It is peace and comfort

Safety

Happiness

Calm

Control

 

Finally I own myself.

 

 

This describes the timeline and the flow of awakening. It reveals the first stage- awareness. This stage can be ongoing for some time. It’s like waves of the ocean, realisations just keep rolling into your consciousness. This stage is shocking and can lead us into conflict, confrontations and grief etc.

The next stage described here is recognition that the beliefs you hold are separate from the authentic self. It raises questions of who the authentic self is. Sometimes our worlds are deeply separate to who we really are. It’s natural stage and necessary stage. It is normal to be raised in a community where we have shared beliefs, our very DNA is shared with our family. But there are times that despite those connections, we must choose our own paths, paths that tell the world who you are. Sometimes the person you are is opposing to our communities. This is a slow battle that we must defend and fight for. We must fight for the right for our own selves to exist exactly as we are meant to. Discovering the self is both freeing and confronting.

The next stage is unmasking. Once we firmly understand who we are, we must then exist as that person, in the open.

It can come slowly or rapidly (We all have our own experience).