Seeking

I am love and I am hate

I keep score

A reckless mouthy mess

I draw a line in the sand

I make the rules

Cutting the fat I am a carnival

Feasting on my own delusion

Hungry

Cornered by my own desires

Caged

I am wild

A seeker of idea’s

I go to crowded places and listen to music so I can be alone

I feel shivering excitement for things that are not tangible

Why did I come here?

The wind attacks the waves and steals my joy

People mingle and jostle

Wanting to be seen….

…being seen….

Do we all feel invisible?

Is that why we seek perfection?

Hoping to be a head above the rest?

By seeking the same thing do we all not blend into one?

Is this the flaw in humanity?

That we don’t enjoy our imperfections and therefore our perfect uniqueness?

I am guilty

Awash with it

I sit here for a reason I do not understand.

To watch?

I see everything I do not want.

This I know

I see things that are rich and beautiful

But I desire heart in it

It is candy and sadness

Give me gold seams in the earth

And geodes cracked like an egg

Faulted and raw

Give me the heart of Joni

Her eyes

And the Earth as it is.

I remember writing this well. Full of conflict at the time. I was trying to understand myself and the world that I was living in. My values seemed so different compared to others. I felt on the outside, yet so relieved that I was. I didn’t want what everybody seemed to want. I watched people and noticed that most people were avoiding vulnerability in their relationships. People choosing money and or stability over deep emotionally open and vulnerable connection. I craved absolute authenticity. But at the time, I was running into shallowness and I was told (often) that opening up was too vulnerable and I was regularly criticised, “keep emotions out of it” etc. (you would be amazed how many times this occurred to me). It was just before my awakening and I was so aware that things around me didn’t feel right. I watched people in the City all walking around wearing the same clothes doing the same things, and I found it deeply disturbing. I recognised that I too could easily fit in. It wasn’t that hard to do on a physical level, but on an emotional level, it felt like torture. I was still heavily masking myself and deep in people pleasing mode. I didn’t know any different, and at this time, I wasn’t fully aware that I was doing those things. I was aware however that I was needing to make a choice. I could follow the crowd and blend in, or I could go down the rabbit hole and explore my emotions even further. It was a clear choice and one that I have observed in my relationships (of all kinds) over and over again. I began to realise that I did have to walk away. I had to release those who were too afraid to have deep emotional connections, and I had to accept them where they were at. But in doing that it also meant walking away from them. This was a great struggle for me at the time. Many people don’t believe it is necessary to walk away from people at all. But I discovered that for me, I needed to be around people who were willing to grow alongside me. I needed people who had the courage to dig into their own emotional selves and all their own baggage, to examine their own fears, prejudices, mental health issues etc. people who were willing to go there and allow themselves to experience healing and change, who were dedicated to truth, love and good things. I was not prepared at the the time, where that road would lead. All I knew was that any other path could only lead me to despair.

My Dear Friends, trust your beautiful instincts. The journey can be rough and deeply painful and profoundly confusing. Seek the deep needs that you have, ask where they come from, and why they are there? It’s so easy to get caught up in social norms, and family and social dynamics that exist simply because they are familiar.